Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I strolled alone through a fallout zone

I feel like the last few days have been like watching my dreams crumble. I'm not going into the details right now, because I feel like if I try to explain myself to one more person today my head is going to explode, but suffice it to say, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with running and my legs and the fact that I ran a shit, shit, shit mile time on Saturday (and doubling is no excuse for that kind of shit), and even when I kill myself in the 3K I'm still 20th/27, and I'm never going to be able to go to Boston because I don't have the money, but according to my mother things would be fine if I was paying $10,000 more a year for tuition in Chicago, because I could drive there for orientation so it would all be good.

I want more than anything else to be financially independent. All I want is to have the money to just DO THIS. I've spent my entire life in my comfort zone...in life, in running, in everything. I'm sick of it. I refuse to sit and wonder what would have happened if I had taken that one chance.

My head just feels like its going to explode right now. I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know what I should be doing, and I feel like I have no one to help me. My dad says he supports me, which is great and all, except that's really not much use when all my problems are financial and there's nothing he can do about that. I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated, angry, upset...I don't even know. I wish I did. I need to, and I don't have a clue, and I'm on my own.

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