The Great Stew Chase 15K Race Report

*This post was written over the span of about 3 weeks, so apologies for the horrible grammar, skipping back and forth between tenses, etc*

Know how you know you're having a really good race? When you think to yourself in the midst of mile 6 "huh, I think I just might be having a breakthrough right now." This is the story of an unexpected breakthrough, and of how I learned that sometimes you have to just lay it on the line and see what you can do.

Prerace GBTC crew!

Photo from Great Stew Chase facebook page

I was up bright and early Sunday morning to a cold, calm day and a light dusting of snow on the ground. I don't think at any time during the morning I ever got nervous, because this was of course not a race. It was simply a good excuse to get my long run done. With 10 GBTC ladies racing, we were quite an intimidating pack in our matching red jackets, and as we headed out on the warmup I had to smile. Although I've technically been running for Greater Boston for almost 4 years, this was the first time that I've truly felt like a part of the team, and its a great feeling. My legs felt like total crap on the warmup, which of course led to the typical spiral of "why am I doing this, this is going to be awful, I haven't even RUN 9 miles in the last 6 months let alone raced it..." I still wasn't really nervous, just much less excited. For some reason I decided to wear racing flats, which I haven't ever worn for anything longer than 6k. Whatever, see what happens, right?

GBTC pack!

Photo by Krissy Kozlosky

It was lightly snowing as we stood on the start line, and then without much fanfare we were off. I initially kind of stayed at the back of the GBTC pack, but eventually passed Joy and found myself running in flying V formation with Taylor and Brianna. Well, this is new. It's been so long since I had teammates to work off of in a race, and its thrilling. In the back of my mind I was vaguely aware that both of these girls are faster than me, but I couldn't seem to make myself care about that fact...until we came through the mile in 7:05. "Shit!" I didn't know what I was doing. Taylor, running next to me, says "don't worry, just go with it until it starts feeling bad". And so I take a leap of faith and do just that. The next mile is 7:10, I'm still hanging with our little trio, and perhaps strangest of all, the pace just...doesn't feel that bad. I'm not pushing at all, I just feel like I'm relaxing and letting my legs turn over; just letting it happen. This is confusing but I decide to just go with it (sensing a theme here?)...after all, what do I have to lose? I pass Taylor just before mile 3, which comes in 7:05. Pretty sure my most recent 5ks have been slower than this.

Brianna has pulled ahead by this point, and so I decide to do the only logical thing I can think of in a race where for some reason I'm feeling great: I start reeling her in. By mile 4 (a bit of a slowdown in 7:20 or so), I've caught her, and now I find myself in a position I never thought I would be in: leading a pack of GBTC girls. We head into a business park ("scenic" is not a word I would use to describe this race) and head towards a hill. Things aren't so effortless now, but I try to keep my fear of an impending breakdown on check. A hill looms in the distance, one I assume is the big hill Joy told me about before the race. "Nice and relaxed, right on up", I think to myself, in a display of mental fortitude that seems crazy to me as soon as I think it. I crest the hill, home free or so I think....until I turn the corner and am staring down an absolute monster of a hill. All the positive thoughts in the world won't help me as I drag my suddenly exhausted legs upward. This time my thoughts are along the lines of "this hill is chewing me up and spitting me out", and to add insult to injury, at that very moment a fellow PT student from Spaulding flies by. "These hills suck, don't they?" she says, and then she's gone, leaving me to gasp and bemoan my lack of hill training as I watch her fade off into the distance.

This, I realize, in the moment when I have to decide. Whether I give up and lose myself here on this never ending hill or push on to glory. And while my mile up the hill is 7:45, as soon as I crest the top I'm right back into racing mode - where's Mary? How far ahead is Katie? How much distance do I have on Brianna? At the turnaround I'm able to judge how much of a cushion I have, while also finding the energy to cheer for my teammates as they go by. And as we head down the hill, the relaxed feeling returns...I might not be out of the woods yet, and there's definitely still a chance to crash and burn, but for the moment I've made it through the darkness alive.  Clearly, my legs agree since the downhill mile comes in at 6:43 (notably, the first time I have EVER seen a sub 7 mile in a race over 6K). Off in the distance I can see Mary and Katie duking it out, and I vow to keep my eye on them. Will I catch them? Doubtful...but the least I can do is keep them in my sights.

Coming back out of the business park with a 7:18 is the moment I realize that things are really happening right now...and with 2 miles to go, why not just go for it? It's funny, because every mile of this race I've told myself "just keep going with this pace, see what happens" with the expectation that at some point I'm just going to drop off and lose it. But here I am, with 2 miles to go, and still holding on...so why not hold it? I glance over my shoulder to assess the situation behind me - Brianna is maybe 300 m back, and I know that holding her off isn't going to be easy, but if there's one thing that can light a fire under my ass, it's having someone on my tail.

The last 2 miles of the race are difficult, and annoying, as the course goes through turn after turn and we cross back and forth across the street to follow the tangents. It literally seems like this happened every 2 minutes, which gets old pretty fast. I can still see Katie in the distance, and I'm aware that Brianna is somewhere close behind me, which motivates me even more to keep up the pace. There are plenty of small hills, rises and falls, but at this point they seem to balance each other out.  We finally make the final turn that leads to the finish, and beautifully, there's a long, gentle downhill...and now, finally KNOWING that I'm going to make it, and that I can stop waiting for the crash because it's never going to come, I fly. I pass 2 more people in this stretch and make up some time on Katie, and when I look at my watch to see a 6:54 I almost burst out laughing. Once again, I don't see sub-7 miles in distances over 5K, especially not in the last mile. I just don't. Except for the fact that I just did.

Once we pass the 9 mile mark time seems to slow down, as things always do late in the race when the finish line is so close and yet so far. I see two of my speedier teammates cheering as I give one last push through the finish line. 1:07.

Finish face..attractive, no?

Photo from the Great Stew Chase 15K facebook page

 Brianna, Taylor, and Jenny come streaming through the finish soon after me, and we head back into the building to get warm. I'm still kind of figuring out what to do with myself - I can't BELIEVE that I ran the time I just did, and the fact that I beat the 3 girls behind me makes things even more ridiculous. To make matters even crazier, I hear through the grapevine that the course was long - somewhere between 9.5-9.6 miles. Now, I know, I KNOW that my time is my time and I mean, I am beyond thrilled to have just hit 7:12 pace for almost 10 miles. But the little voice in the back of my brain that understands 'hey, so you might have just closed in on 7 flat pace for a 15K' is also kind of hard to ignore.

And even now, finally finishing this blog post almost 3 weeks later, I can't quite figure out how I did it. My mileage has been pretty lame, I haven't done ANY long runs, besides doing miler-style track workouts every week there is nothing that makes me deserving of the kind of time I just ran. I will say that I think my mental game has GREATLY improved lately - call it maturity, or doing more hard workouts on the track, but my head was 100% in the race the entire time during this race, even at those moments when I really felt like something awful was happening. 

But then again, I do have something else working in my favor. Because after the race, I headed back to Cambridge, and spent the next 5 hours of my life doing this:

Dancing "Belief" for the OnStage National Choreography Month Showing

Photo by Jessi Haggerty

I think this whole crazy pairing of dancing and training for races might just go together better than I expected. :)

Great Stew Chase 15K - Lynn, MA

1:07:04

51/265 overall

9/52 F0-39 (sidenote - holy GIANT age group, Batman!)

11/100 overall women

In which I rediscover my love for running on the 5th lap of an indoor mile

It's a familiar scenario, and yet totally foreign, standing there in the clerking area as "last and final call for the women's mile" echoes through the indoor track. I've stood there a thousand times before, but this time is different. There are no pre race superstitions, no one last song that I just have to hear as I run striders down the backstretch. I'm not even wearing spikes, just some racing flats that I got for free through a Mizuno promotion, and that I've worn for a single tempo run and a disastrous cross country race.  There are no expectations.  I don't know what I'm doing, but somehow I've wound up here, almost 5 years after I figured my track career was over for good, ready to race the mile.

I am standing next to my teammate, Joy, who also happens to be the reason that I am here, nervously hopping from foot to foot and trying to decided if I should retie my shoelaces again. As I told Joy after she coerced me into doing this race between 800s on Tuesday: "I don't think I would ever do anything if it wasn't for peer pressure". Someone else convinced me to run my first marathon, I ran my first 800 to try to impress a distance runner boy, many a long run in my life would never have been had someone not been meeting me. And Joy has lately been the instigator in getting me back to workouts, getting me to race cross country, and most recently, getting me to race this mile. I keep telling her I'm just going to lock in behind her and pretend its a workout, all the while hating her guts. She tells me that she guarantees I'm going to beat her. I legitimately have no clue what's going to happen; I've done exactly 2 track workouts since taking 3 week almost completely off due to bronchitis in December, and I only last week finally managed to pull my weekly mileage over the 30 mile barrier. I also spent 2 hours in dance rehearsal the day before, and my legs feel like lead as I attempt to do some strides. I feel like I could very well run a 6:30 mile at this point.

After spending the entire day trying to deny that I was going to do this ridiculous thing, suddenly I'm standing on the gentle curve of the starting line, bouncing up and down in that pre race ritual that I've never been able to shake. 3 jumps, shake out the right leg, shake out the left leg...from the 55 hurdles to the marathon, some things never change. Step up to the line, and there we are. The girl to my left says good luck, to my right, Joy whispers "don't go out too fast".  And suddenly we are off, and it's begun. Somewhat to my dismay, I find myself running in a pack of about 5 girls near the front of the heat - but I don't panic. Relax, self, just relax, and lock in. I have no idea how fast we're going and am dreading rounding the corner to see a 39 or something equally absurd on the clock, so I am pleased when we come through the lap at 44 or so. Right on target. It occurs to me during the second lap how equally pleasing and obnoxious it is to be running with this pack. I feel extremely relaxed - almost too easy to be racing - but do I make a move? I decide that it's too early to really assess the situation and stick in my groove - straight 45s. On lap 3 one of the girls in the pack abruptly cuts in front of me, and I almost lose my footing and take a dive over the rail, and later I step on someone's lost hip number, which sticks to the bottom of my shoe and makes an obnoxious slapping noise with each step. Of course - I latch on to stupid annoyances like that when I'm racing, so I have to giggle to myself. We come through the 4th lap right around 3:00 - exactly where I want to be...however, the question is, will I be able to hold on to this? What's going to happen now?

I continue on with my little pack through lap 5, passing one or two girls who start to drop back and keeping my focus on the shoulder of the girl right in front of me. Still inexplicably feeling like I am racing, and yet, not like I am dying, I come around the curve into the straightaway and a thought forms in my mind: "Holy shit, I am having so much fun right now!" It's all I can do not to break into a smile, because here I am, finally, racing and pushing and for the first time in so long, loving it. I'm racing. I'M RACING!

It occurs to me at some point that I have a shot in hell of breaking 6 minutes. But things finally starting to catch up to my barely-prepared legs, and while I try my hardest to assemble some sort of a finishing kick over the last 400 meters, I just don't have enough to pass the other two members of my pack, who finish less than a second ahead of me, or to dip under 6 flat. I finish in 6:06, a far cry from my 5:44 PR, but almost exactly where I seeded myself - a seed which I had thought of as basically an impossibility.

I cannot stop smiling after the race. A 6:06 mile - so pedestrian in the grand scheme of track, and even in the grand scheme of my own racing - but still, in this moment, a milestone. There was a time not long ago when I honestly questioned whether I would ever care about running enough again to work for a PR, to really race to the point of making it hurt, that red line. And somehow, what it took to rekindle that spark was the most unexpected of things, and yet so simple: one mile. That's how all running careers start, so in a way it's fitting that maybe this is how mine will begin again - older, wiser, free of expectations and superstitions, and simply running for the joy of the race and that feeling, amidst screaming legs and lungs on fire, that beneath it all you are really having the time of your life.

Photo by Tom Derderian

Being both

Every Friday, I take a 2 hour ballet/pointe class through BU. Last week, this class happened to occur about 45 minutes after I had raced a "5K" (actually 3.5 mile) race and placed second. After scarfing down a sandwich and struggling into my leotard, I was at the barre doing plies and frappes with the rest of the class, legs exhausted, calves screaming every time I had to hold a releve. What are you doing?! my body was screaming at me. This is insane!

Sometimes, as I looked around the class during center work, and saw girls who could pirouette more cleanly than me, had better extensions than me, could master quick footwork better than me, I thought, ah, if only I hadn't stopped taking ballet for the past 8 years. I am lucky to possess a fair amount of qualities that naturally lend me to dance - long legs, flexible back, and (my one claim to fame) really, really great feet - and there are times when I wonder what could have been had life worked out differently, if I had devoted myself completely to dance. But in glancing around the class again, I had another thought: how many of these girls have ever RACED a 5K? Or a marathon? Or known the feeling of one last 800 as the rain starts to come down, pounding the track until you can't see, and there's nothing but you and your breath and the feeling of being so completely alive?

The thought works in reverse too: how many of those who I run with have ever known the feeling of finally landing that turn, of being so caught up in the music and the movement that you almost feel like you've transcended into a different plane. How many of them have felt the ache of a long day in pointe shoes, or the chill-inducing joy of seeing a dance that you created, alone in your living room, come to life on the stage?

Looking at my training over the past few months, it's easy to wonder if I've stopped caring about running, lost motivation, whatever. But really, I don't think it's so much that I've lost running as that I've found (re-found) dance. And when I think about how rare it is to be able to have not one, but two passions - to know what it is to push my body to the limit in a race AND to fly on stage in front of the audience, to be both a badass runner with my race face on AND a ballerina in pointe shoes and a bun, to be both - I mostly think I'm pretty damn lucky. And sometimes it may mean I run less miles in a week, but it's worth it for the opportunity to be both.

Accountability

*pokes head in sheepishly*

Well goodness, guess I've found out what happens to my blog when my training is in the tank...with not much happening on the running/inspiration/racing front, I just decide to forgo posting. Well, not anymore! I have decided that at the absolute minimum, I'm going to post my weekly training here to keep me accountable, not only to my training but to this blog. I really like to write, and I haven't been doing much of it lately, so I think this is a good way to slowly slide back into more frequent writing, whether it be about running or something else (I've had a real urge to write some fiction lately, but I always just feel like every fiction I write is so...awkward. And the main character is always just me with a different name and a different job. So that needs some work.)

Anyway...what have I been doing? I'm ashamed to admit that this past week was the first week in almost 2 months that I have cracked the 30 mile barrier. I mean...what? The good news about this is, I don't feel terribly "un-fit", mostly because I have been religiously going to GBTC practices this fall and doing the workouts (to what end, I have no idea...I really can't see myself racing any time in the near future, but the fact that I've been motivated enough to get to practice is something in and of itself.) The other thing is that I have been dancing a TON this semester. I have 3 hours of rehearsal a week, a 2 hour ballet class on Fridays, as well as teaching 2 kid's classes and choreographing one of the 3 pieces I'm in. Dance isn't something I've discussed a ton on this blog, but it's something that I rediscovered my passion for while I was in NYC and so I am back at it. I honestly believe that dancing really does make me a stronger runner, partially by serving as cross/strength training that works a whole different muscle set (hello, injury prevention!) and also just as an overall strength and power workout. Probably more importantly, it makes me outrageously happy. Which is actually the point, isn't it?

So, we begin with week 1 of the comeback tour. I didn't run with a watch all week except for at practice because I was too lazy to charge my Garmin. Who really gives a crap what I ran for a random easy run anyway? At the moment, not me.
M - 6.2 easy, Dean Road loop. Nothing particularly memorable about this one. Nice weather.
T - GBTC workout - mile repeats @ 10K pace. 4 x mile in 6:54, 6:56, 6:51, 6:46 with 1 lap jog recoveries. Clearly that is not my current (or ever) 10K pace...man I felt like a baller during this workout. I consistenly dread track workouts when I'm on my way there and on the first rep, but by the end I'm just like yesssss everything is wonderful. A little over 8 miles total.
W - 5.3 easy, I honestly remember nothing about this run.
R - OFF. Thursdays are a bit insane since I have class, teach class, and have rehearsal...however, I definitely have time to run in the morning if I would just haul my lazy ass out of bed, so if I choose to take a Monday off (as I am today)...well, Thursday has to happen. 1 hour of dance rehearsal.
F - 7 easy, JP, first run in AGES where I've actually added on distance because I wanted to keep running. Listened to "Into The Fire" from The Scarlet Pimpernel on repeat. Gloriousness. Followed by 2 hour ballet class.
Sat - OFF. College football season and running on weekends are not conducive to each other. That is all.
Sun - 3.9 easy, SO LAZY. Followed by 2 hours rehearsal.

Total for week: 30.6 miles running, 5 hours dance

So. Yup. Welcome back. My goals for this comeback, which I am putting out here to hold myself accountable for the world to see, are to race at the GBTC indoor track invite in January (possibly shoot for 3K PR), attempt to break 20 in the 5K on the road in the spring of 2013, and to be ready for an attempt at a PR marathon in November 2013. Let's do it.

National running day magic

Because I have been doing far too much bitching when I DO post on this blog, may I give you the story of one of the most magical runs I've ever had, which happened to occur on national running day.

Lately I have been really struggling with getting out the door to run before about 7 pm...not that that's a big deal because it's summer and it stays light, but it's not really conducive to longer runs unless I want to eat dinner at like 10. I had a shorter run on the schedule for today but then I realized that it's going to be like 87 on Sunday...and wouldn't it be much nicer to run 10 miles on this glorious 60 degree afternoon than in an inferno over the weekend?

So off I went. At 6:30 (after being a lazy pile of crap and eating trail mix and watching the series 4 finale of Doctor Who for the second time...STOP JUDGING). The first mile my legs were really heavy which I kind of figured considering I took a tough dance class last night, but I was still kind of like 'ehh, not sure if I'm actually going to make it 10 miles tonight'. And then...I hit the Hudson River.  Which I'm kind of obsessed with. Dare I say almost as much as Central Park? I mean...it's a river...so I'm not really sure why I enjoy it so much more than the Charles...but whatever. I'm a fan. Anyway, my legs were starting to feel pretty good and it was looking like it was going to be a pretty sweet sunset. And then the slow build of awesome began.

As I was running by the 79th St cafe thing there was a cluster of people looking up at a tree...and well, if there's a cluster of people, there has to be something interesting. And it was a peregrine falcon!! I sort of have a thing for birds of prey so I was really excited by this. I kept running and eventually reached my turnaround point...which I had conveniently set up to be at the Intrepid museum, new home of the Enterprise space shuttle! So I saw the space shuttle in real life. It may be the nerdiest thing I have ever said that I was really excited by this, but I have been fascinated by astronomy since I was a kid so...I was pumped.

As soon as I turned around it started raining, and I love nothing more than running in the rain. It was perfect - steady and enough to be cooling, but not like 'holy shit we're gonna die and my shoes are soaked' downpour.  I decided to run out onto the longer pier at maybe 68th St to add some mileage and check out the view, since the clouds were looking pretty awesome by this point. Then I turned around, and there was a  FULL ARCH RAINBOW. I can't even describe. The rest of the run I was just so giddy with how well things had been going that I wasn't even thinking about anything besides how much fun I was having. My pace was actually significantly faster than I would have expected for my first double digit run in 2 months and I felt great...so that didn't hurt as a nice little ego boost either. :)

It was amazing to have a run where all I felt was joy. I think it's been rare lately for me to go running and a) WANT to go further than the randomly specified distance I picked out for the day or b) be having fun while I'm doing it. It's been more of a chore which isn't what I want. So to have both of those things happen on the same day - conveniently - national running day - well, it was pretty great. To remember that maybe not all the time, but for the most part, RUNNING IS AWESOME. And I am lucky and grateful to be in a position where I can run along the Hudson River without a care in the world besides what awesome birds of prey, rainbows, monuments, vistas, and generally incredible things my legs are going to lead me to next.

Looking up

This week I ran 31.1 miles. Nothing crazy - in the grand scheme of my running life we're talking like sophomore year cross country mileage. I skipped one day that I probably shouldn't have because I decided to spend the day frolicking around NYC [here for a summer clinical, it's my favorite city IN THE WORLD and I am basically over the moon with happiness. Although I miss Andrew.] but I'm OK with that because hi...first weekend to myself in New York. So 31.1 miles...the majority of them easy, none of them workouts, nothing to write home about. BUT...this week, for the first time in a LONG time...I felt like I was finally going somewhere.

I feel like I've spent the last 4-odd months, and hell, to be honest, the majority of the last couple of years, in just a weird holding pattern with running. Ever since Baystate 2010, there's been injury after injury, no racing, thyroid issues up the butt, and the life stress of school on top of it all. Looking back, I can hardly believe that that person who ran a 3:22 was me; it seems like some sort of bizarre and miraculous dream. I don't feel like I'm that runner anymore. I've been going through the motions, thwarted by injury at every turn, and basically done nothing worthwhile running-wise since then. I've stagnated, I've done just enough to avoid getting fat and even that hasn't been completely successful (NOT calling myself fat...but the ~10 pound weight gain over the past year I certainly could do without). And there have been times, especially over the past few months, where I've wondered: what is even the point? I felt ruined, mainly by this whole thyroid debacle. I'm not ashamed to admit that there have been times when I've been in tears wondering whether losing my thyroid has ruined me as a runner. Whether it took my speed, my competitive drive, my strength. I wonder whether I will EVER race well again I haven't since the surgery, not that there's a very large sample size to pick from since I think I've raced 3 times since then. And that's been hard, because it's not something I can easily talk about to anyone. I know at a certain point my mom and Andrew eventually grow really sick of hearing about it because, well, it's only running and who really cares if you never PR again, running's not your career. Don't you just do it because you love to run?

But then I remember. I AM that same runner who ran a 3:22 marathon. I did break 20 in the 5K. And there is NO reason why I cannot do those things again, besides that fact that I've been lazy - well, and injured. But that stopped being a good excuse 2 months ago. And, what the hell, it's going to be hard, it's not necessarily going to be pretty, and it may take awhile, but I'll be damned if I can't get back to being that runner again.

Which brings me, finally, back to my original point of this post. Dear lord, I do go off on some ridiculous tangents. But again I think I have approximately 4 readers if that, annd this blog is basically my brain dump so I DON'T have to torture my boyfriend or my mother...so deal with it.  SO - this week...running when I didn't feel like it and the weather was shit and my legs were tired from being on my feet all day...I felt like - hey, keep this up and you might actually go somewhere! So my hope is that maybe, just maybe, I finally have hit rock bottom of this running slump and that there's nowhere to go but up. Yeah, there's a loooong way to go to get back to the level of fitness I was at a year and a half ago...but can I do it? Sure.  And I think being here in NYC with the fabulousness of Central Park and random 5Ks all over the place might be just the thing to start the climb back to awesomeness. :)

The 116th Boston Marathon

Well then.
Where do I begin?

I felt a lot of things during this year's Boston Marathon. I felt pain (a LOT of pain). I felt fear. I felt disappointment. I felt joy, giddiness, happiness. I felt optimism and pessimism, self-loathing and self-affirmation. But the one emotion that I think I'll remember when I look back on April 16, 2012 is this: I felt love.

Never in my life have I ever experienced a crowd that made me feel more like a rockstar. Never have I had so many people on the course, on facebook, on twitter, on dailymile cheering me on and making me feel like I had done something to be proud of. And never have I been more aware of the fact that runners are my people. Those brave and crazy souls who made the journey from Hopkinton - they are like me. From a simple "are you OK?" from a woman who saw me walking to rub out a side cramp early in the race to the collective hoots of joy when the sun went behind the one minuscule cloud in the sky, just for an instant, the sense of camaraderie and of love for our sport was on pure display on Monday.  And long after I've forgotten the time I ran in the race (and trust me, it was as forgettable as they come), I will remember that.

SO - onward to my marathon report. I was awake before my alarm. I lay in bed in the dark contemplating, mostly with disbelief, the fact that I was running a marathon today.  This whole "not really training" thing left me far outside of my comfort zone, but damn it, I was doing the thing, and here it was. So I got up and drank a shooter of iced coffee, got my crap together and I left. It's weird standing at the train station where you leave to go to class every single day with the knowledge that today holds much greater possibilities. What I remember from the last time I ran Boston, and which I still loved this time around, was the train ride downtown. There were a few runners with their telltale orange bags on my train, each engrossed in thought or their ipods or a bottle of water, along with a surprisingly large number of regular people headed off to their jobs or whatever the day would bring. And the train was absolutely silent, yet full of the electric tingle of nervous energy. There's really nothing like it.

I made it to the Common around 6:30 and serendipitously (not a word, whatevs) was able to meet up with my friend Jen before things got too insane, and we got on a bus pretty quickly. As usual the bus ride out to Hopkinton was long and nervewracking, with each passing minute a reminder of "oh right, I have to RUN BACK". I found that playing Draw Something and checking facebook 400 times was an effective use of time. As I was randomly perusing blogs, the entry on "1000 Awesome Things" caught my eye:

#4 - Today: Today’s the greatest day you’ve ever lived. Today’s the only day you’ve ever lived. The past is gone, the future is far, nothing else matters, except where you are. AWESOME!

That was the perfect way to get me the mindset for the race - be where you are, don't worry about the past or the future, enjoy today. This moment. This opportunity. This experience.We got off the bus and it was already painfully clear that it was going to be HOT. People were already in tank tops and shorts as we walked from the bus to the athlete's village, not a good sign considering last time I was here everyone was bundled up. In

We arrived in the village and staked out our spot...and waited while the temps continued to rise. I took care of the usual pre-marathon needs, went to say hi to DailyMile friends Maddy and Norman, and just generally tried to walk off my nerves. After an epic texting struggle, I finally tracked down Joy, who had found a red sports bra for me the night before. After that there wasn't much time left. We made final outfit preparations, debated how many Gu Chomps to eat, and generally bounced around nervously.

GBTC ladies! Please note my incredible homemade GBTC bra. This did not survive long into the race.

Soon enough it was time to make our way down that long, long road to the start corrals. The walk seemed even longer this year, but it was less terrifying because I wasn't taking it alone. I tried to take a Gu, which was already hot and managed to trigger my gag reflex - not exactly a great beginning. As we walked past ascending numbered corrals, I lost my friends one by one...until I was being directed into corral 1 of the second wave. And all I could think was "holy shit, I'm here. How did I get here?" And then I started tearing up again, because, well, that's what I do at the beginning of marathons. In between this emotional storm I looked at the countdown clock and realized that we would be starting in about 20 seconds...well, there's no turning back now....and gunshot.

And then I was running. Running, may I add, like an IDIOT. For all of the times I told myself "go out slow", I got totally caught up in the giddiness of the moment. It was the exact opposite of the last time I ran Boston when I was like an angry gorilla on a rampage trying to get people out of my way. This time it was like "wheeee!! Downhill! I'm running a marathon! This isn't so bad! Hooray!" 7:48 was my first mile. No, I could not possibly be stupider. Whatever. The next couple of miles were in the high 7s/low 8s and I started feeling nauseous. And fearful. I was no longer smiling and I was suddenly terrified. Then I came to a shocking realization: it's 85 degrees out, SLOW DOWN. ENJOY THIS. And so that's what I tried to do.

The bad times kicked in pretty early. Within 5 or 6 miles I was legitimately concerned about my chances of finishing the race. The heat was utterly miserable. The one saving grace of everything was the crowd - holy crap, I've never experienced anything like it. I wrote my name on my stomach this year because I remembered wishing that I had last time, and man am I glad I did. Having people at every turn screaming your name, telling you you look great and to keep going - I never thought I could feed off the spectator support so much, but in a situation like Monday it became absolutely essential.

By 7 my pace was already dipping into the high 9s as I had started walking through water stops. I probably would have started this later, but there really was no point in trying to run through them since there was a traffic jam at pretty much every stop and you basically had to slow down/stop if you wanted a cup.  Over the previous few miles, I had been falling victim to the negative thinking that I knew would sneak up on me in this race - you're undertrained, your time is going to be shit, this is embarrassing, why are you even doing this? But around 7 or 8 I hit a turning point where I realized - yeah, my time is going to be shit. But you know what? WHO CARES. These people cheering for you don't care. Your friends don't care. And these people are all making you feel like a freaking rockstar - so enjoy it, damn it! And after that, I spent a lot more of my time smiling.  I yelled "On Wisconsin" at anyone I saw wearing Badger gear (there were several). I had a temporary Bucky tattoo on my back, which I got SO many comments on from fellow runners during the race, including one couple who started singing 'Varsity'. (I sang along. I almost cried. You guys don't even know.) I thanked volunteers. I told people that they were going to make it. I was happy.

The problem was, as determined as I was to have fun, running was becoming more and more of a struggle. The sun was just unrelenting...every time I would drench myself with water, it would be dry and I would be hot again 5 minutes later. Again, the spectators with their endless supply of spray bottles, cold sponges, sprinklers, water cups, etc were absolute saviors. I tried to take as many things from little kids as possible because it was clear that they absolutely were in awe of everyone out there (how freaking cool! Can you imagine, being a little kid handing out oranges and NOT wanting to grow up to run Boston someday?)

15K. LOOK HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING (in real life, I had slowed down a lot right before this, but then remembered this photo op from 2010 and made myself speed up and look cheerful. Bad news when you need to make yourself look happy at mile 9...) 

After 8 or 9, I actually hit a groove for a little while. I had gotten into a good system of taking advantage of every mister/water/whatever that I saw, which was keeping me wet and at a generally OK level of heat, and for a few miles I just kind of jammed along, enjoying the crowd and ignoring how many people were passing  me. We hit the gentle downhill towards Wellesley and there was actually some shade for awhile, which was glorious, and I was in pretty good spirits when I hit the scream tunnel (and actually a little surprised at how quickly the first half had seemed to go by).  The "KISS ME" gauntlet was as incredible as I remembered, it seemed to go on FOREVER. I actually had made up my mind that if there were any men in the line I would go in for a kiss (why not, right?) but alas, I didn't see any. Bolstered by the screams, I forged ahead, feeling I was ready for the second half.  And then...bad things started happening.

As I came up the slight incline that comes after Wellesley college, my left knee tightened up. It hurt, and I was confused. Knee pain...what is this? I guess it's a testament to how limited my brain function was at that point that I didn't even recognize the problem for the brewing IT band disaster that it was until a couple of miles down the road. At the time I took a quick walk break and then started up running again, hoping that something just needed to be knocked back into place, but the pain persisted. I would be doing a significant amount of walking for the remainder of the race as a result.

The epic Wellesley downhill was AMAZING - it was somewhat shaded, seemed to go on forever, and I just let myself go. I had stopped taking splits at the half when I became aware that things were probably about to go downhill pretty quickly, and I had no interest in seeing 13 minute miles start popping up on my screen.  I remember absolutely loving the area by Newton-Wellesley - the crowds were going crazy, there was music blasting from somewhere, and I think that's the point in the race (mile 16) when everyone starts to think about the fact that they might actually make it. Shortly after that was the glorious moment when the sun went behind this teeny cloud for literally 5 seconds - and you could hear every single runner on the course either sigh or yelp with joy. We made our way towards the firehouse and finally made the turn towards the Newton hills...which is when things went from bad to worse.

I became aware of a few things as I struggled up the first hill, which I have affectionately dubbed "Ass Panther Hill " (don't ask why.) First of all, every time I tried to start running, my knee would buckle in pain. Obviously - bad. Secondly, I was starting to get chills (yes it's hot out, no that's not good) and a sort of tunnel vision type phenomenon that was legitimately freaking me out. But the most distressing thing was the fact that I was honestly a bit disoriented. I run in the Newton hills at least once a week, it's my home turf and I know it well. So when I looked around and felt confused as to exactly where we were in the hills, and everything looked unfamiliar, I was extremely, extremely concerned. I did NOT want to pass out. Or end up in the hospital. Or give myself a long-term injury, for that matter. So I made the executive decision that there was going to be a significant amount of walking from here on out. I was frustrated with my body for failing me, but the voice in the back of my head kept whispering that I wasn't giving up, I was being smart. And so I continued on, albeit at a slower pace. I ran the downhills, since my knee was cooperating with them significantly better than on the uphills, tried to get some more fluids into myself, and continued my neverending quest for sprinklers and ice pops.

The rest of the Newton hills basically sucked. I was in pain, hot, afraid that I was about to succumb to heat sickness, and embarassed about the amount of walking I was being forced to do. But there were moments when things were OK. For example - in the midst of several people holding cups of water, there was a woman holding a grape popsicle. Literally, the only thing I wanted in life at that moment was that popsicle. She offered me this popsicle, to which I responded "OH GOD YES" (I wish I was joking. I am not.) and I got a good laugh from that. I trotted along, biting my popsicle. It was cold, and I was happy. I'm pretty sure I actually revert to being 5 years old during marathons. I do remember seeing my favorite sign on the hill, which said "If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. Just keep going." (Of course, I also filled in the blank with the Firefly quote of "If you can't crawl, there'll be someone to carry you"...which actually became even more fitting later in the race)

I hit Heartbreak after what had felt like an extended walk break (in reality, it was probably like 2 minutes) and said aloud to myself "come on, you have to fucking try". So I started trying to run up Heartbreak. 30 seconds later, the pain in my knee was unbearable...well, at least I tried. The only consolation was that the big BC downhill was coming up...and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to run down THAT.  So as soon as I crested the hill I let gravity pull me along - and holy crap, BC was incredible. I don't know if I wasn't paying attention, didn't care, or if it was because I didn't have my name on me in 2010, but these drunk kids made me feel like I was some sort of celebrity. Absolutely screaming their faces off, offering high fives - it was spectacular. I just ran down that high five line grinning.  Also at that point one of the armed forces groups that was marching the route IN UNIFORM came by, and that was incredible because the entire crowd just started chanting "USA, USA, USA" in unison. Awesome.

Of course by now I knew any hope of a respectable time was out the window, and I was starting to feel truly awful. I took a quarter of a nuun in my water at the 22 mile water stop - couldn't decide if I was getting a little hyponaetremic (I had been drinking a LOT) or dehydrated. Not sure if it was a placebo or what, but it seemed to improve my outlook on everything except my knee situation. Since I still couldn't run for more than about a minute, I started off on a 1 min run/1 min walk plan that worked out pretty well for the rest of the "race". All I could think about coming into Cleveland Circle was "In like 5 minutes you get to see your friends!!! And when you see them you can't look like you're dying!" So as I came down the hill into Washington Square, I did my best to look like I wasn't ready to lie down and die in the road, which I was. So I was running when I saw them, even though I was also yelling "sorry it took so long!"

Oh my God. I have the best friends ever. First of all, they were all standing there screaming and waving all of these signs which I couldn't even comprehend at the time. But then, not only did they have freeze pops for me (4 of them, amazing) BUT THEY HAD ICE COLD DIET COKE. If an angel could have flown down from heaven and offered me one wish at that point in the race, it probably would have been Diet Coke. It was like delicious nectar of the gods and at that moment, I knew I was going to finish.

The last 2 miles, I just tried to have fun. My run-walk strategy was surprisingly allowing me to pass people who were dying more than me at this point in the race (I'm assuming since it was my knee, not the heat, that turned out to be the limiting reagent - when I WAS running I was running hard). The crowd was just ridiculous, and I found myself hamming it up for random people who were screaming my name (hey guy who called me sexy and told me I would make it, but then didn't get to high five me because I was already past - sorry about that! Glad you were a fan of the sports bra :P) Almost the next thing I knew, I was headed into Kenmore and the cheering was taken up by another 100%. Horns. Cowbells, Vuzuvelas. Absolute screaming, banging, insane, awesome. Coming through the part of Comm right before the underpass, I encountered a group of girls from my PT program who went absolutely INSANE when they saw me, which of course triggered me to start running just a little faster. I was almost done, and these people thought I was awesome no matter what, and I was HERE - I was going to finish the infernal Boston 2012. Only 21,606 people in the entire WORLD can say that, and I was one of them.

As we made the turn onto Hereford, my knee gave out again. Fuck. The frustration crept in again; I couldn't believe I was being forced to a walk this close to the finish line. And then something happened that I will probably remember for the rest of my life.

This gray-haired woman with glasses in a pink tank top came up on my right side. She looked at me, she took my hand, and she said "come on. You can do this." And she pulled me into a run. And I knew I would not stop running until I crossed the finish line. This was one of those things that, I don't know, you never expect would happen in real life. It seems like it's out of an inspirational movie or something. And since I'm the most stubborn, fiercely independent person you can imagine, it seems appropriate that this would happen to me. Because sometimes, you NEED someone to pull you along and tell you not to give up.  And that it doesn't matter if your time is crap or if things didn't go as planned...as long as you finish.

This is probably my favorite picture from the race - headed down Boyleston, eyes on the finish line. You can see my fairy godmother behind me in the pink - I wish I knew who she was. I hope I can do for someone what she did for me one day.

The finish line seemed like it was an eternity away, and all I could think with each step was IwanttostopIwanttostopIwanttostop. So when I finally crossed the line and I COULD stop, and it was OK...all I could do was breathe a sigh of relief. I had made it. I was still here. And though my 4:32:15 might say otherwise, I was a freaking runner who had just finished my 4th marathon. There was no taking that away.

The volunteers continued to be INCREDIBLE as I slowly made my way through the exit chute. The guy who gave me my water bottle was particularly great, yelling "Hey Audrey! You are awesome. You just finished the Boston Marathon!". I can't imagine that standing out in the heat watching people suffer was that much more fun than being the suffer-ee, so the enthusiasm was seriously appreciated. I gradually found my way out of the chute and made my way to the T while calling my mom to let her know I was alive (and I did NOT almost need to vomit in a planter this year! Epic success!!) I snagged a seat on the T and made my way back to my cheering crew, where I was legitimately treated like royalty. A random man who was spectating offered me a chair. My friends ran to the 7-11 to obtain me more popsicles and Diet Coke. And I sat there in my borrowed chair with my chafed feet and my dead legs, watching the runners who were still going by. And time be damned, I was happy.

Andrew helping me home post race. He gave me his shoes so I could take off my bloody/wet ones

I can't wait to put together a legitimate training cycle and RACE a marathon again. I'm antsy to start attacking PRs after almost 2 years of worthless training. But this time, just for a moment, it was enough just to know that running makes me happy, and that I am absolutely blessed to be able to experience that happiness that few others ever can, with the most wonderful friends and family behind my every step. When it comes down to it, that is enough.

No worries, Boston. I'll be back. Third time's the charm, right? ;)

Goal: Freeze Pop PR

Well in case you've been living under a rock, you've seen that the forecast for tomorrow is a high of somewhere between 86 and 88 degrees, depending on which website you look at. There was actually a deferment option introduced, where if you chose not to run due to the weather (which the BAA actually RECOMMENDED for unexperienced marathoners/people with health issues) you would automatically be in for next year. I'll admit, I toyed with the option for a split second. After all, I don't have a BQ yet for '13 (actually, since the next remote possibility of me running a marathon is in October, there's basically 0% chance that I'll get one) and it would be like a reset to this awful training cycle that mainly featured injury.

But then I thought, you know what? Screw that. My training may have been several trains and a bus ride short of spectacular, but I'll be damned if I didn't work a 20 mile, 2-18 miles, a 15 mile and 2-13 milers into my schedule in the 6 weeks that I was actually ABLE to run. If there was even an outside chance of me being able to get through this race I wanted to take it - because my friends would be cheering for me, because I wanted to enjoy the experience (unlike last time when I was so frustrated that I wasn't going to PR that I just went into my bubble of sad and ignored the awesomenss that is BOSTON). Is this going to be the epic comeback marathon that I dreamed it would be when I signed up in September? No. But it wouldn't have been that regardless of the heat - so the heat just gives me one more reason to take the pressure off and just savor what I can do.  I can run. I AM STILL A RUNNER - no matter what shit has gone on in the past year. This marathon has always been about showing that the things that life has thrown at me will. not. break me. So in a way, adding the WORST possible weather I could imagine for a race just adds to that.

Now I'm not going to lie, the weather scares the living bejeezus out of me. My heat tolerance has always been poor - I'm the kind of person who will be wearing short sleeves and shorts to run when everyone else is still wearing tights - so I'm a little concerned about how my body is going to respond. But my #1 goal is to FINISH THE RACE - so if I have to walk half of it because I'm overheating, well, that's better than not finishing.  My plan is pretty simple: run as close to naked as possible (sports bra and shorts, that's it), drink a sip and throw the water on myself at every water stop while drinking a full cup at every 3rd or so (depending on how I'm feeling), and care exactly zero about pace.

Goals:
A+++ Beat my last Boston time (3:46:48). I would say that if the weather had been normal there was about a 50% chance of this happening, I am now taking that percentage down to ~1%. Looks like I'm taking that shot of tequila. Womp.
A Within 5 minutes on either side of 4 hours. Given the heat and my training, I think this could be reasonable.
B Set a freeze pop PR. Considering I have eaten a grand total of one freeze pop during a marathon ever (Boston 2010, lifesaving) I think this is completely doable!
C Finish. And you bet I WILL FINISH.

This is a weird situation. I've never in my running life as I know it gone into a race without optimal training or some sort of PR-style goal. But I'm hoping that maybe this will be just what I need to rekindle the fire that seems to have gone missing lately. And I mean, hell, if I can make it through a marathon in 88 degree heat, every other race/run EVER is going to seem like heaven in comparison, right?

Right on Hereford, left on Boyleson...

Still alive

I'm still alive. I'm still running Boston, even though it's going to be a complete and utter shitshow. I am massively undertrained and in constant pain from both of my posterior tibs, but hey! It'll be fun, right?

I wrote a big long emo post a few weeks ago about how frustrated I was with all this -injuries, thyroid-induced craptasticness, etc, but I decided not to post it. It came off as whiny and stupid. I've kind of become numb to the situation I think. I hate that I'm going to be representing my team in such a crappy way, I hate that 26.2 miles is a LONG time to think about how undertrained you are, and I hate that I stupidly made a bet that means if I run a personal worst (pretty much a given), I have to take a double shot of chile pepper tequila. (Bad Idea with a capital B.)

But I really don't feel like talking about it much. Much as I love writing about running when running is good...I hate writing about it when it's bad. And folks, it's been bad lately. I can count on 2 hands the number of runs I've had in the past 2 months where I actually felt like a runner. So once this marathon is over, it's time to get my legs healthy, rediscover what I love about this sport, and overhaul my training. It's time to be a runner again.

Oh, and I'll let you know how Boston goes. All I can say is I'm going to do my best to have fun.

When is a training cycle not a training cycle?

When you get injured in the 3rd week of said training cycle and have to take 4 (possibly more?) weeks off. No running. None. Zero. Zip. Hi, welcome to my Boston training 2012.

My left shin had been irritated ever since I started going back to track workouts, but I chalked it up to, oh, I don't know, doing my first sub-6:30 pace running in over a year, in combination with my standard shin splint issues and figured it would pass. It did not. I did manage to get in one glorious 17 miler on 1/15 and a great track workout on 1/17...and then the shit hit the fan.  The day after the track workout, I was an emotional trainwreck and was vaguely aware that the pain in my shin was starting to get to the point where it was noticeable/having an effect on me while I was running.  Given that I've had shin splints ever since I started running 10 years ago, and have been able to run through them in every case, this was a giant red flag.  The following day I decided to run easy on the treadmill, thinking that the more forgiving surface would help. It did not.

At this point I was still thinking that maybe I would just take a few days off and jump right back in.  I took 4 days off/in the pool and decided to go back to track practice the next week to see if things had improved. By mile 1.5 of the warmup, it became apparent that not only were things not better...they were actually worse. And that (1/24) was the last time I ran. It took another 2 weeks after that for me to suck it up and see a doctor (when I had to jog for a train and my leg throbbed for 3 hours afterward, that was the final straw). The good news is that according to x-ray, it's not a stress fracture, most likely a stress reaction, and the fact that I've already taken 3 weeks off at this point means that healing is happening and hopefully recovery is around the corner.  The bad news? I haven't run a meaningful run/workout in almost a MONTH. During which time I was supposed to be TRAINING FOR A MARATHON.

I pretty much went through all of the injury stages, including the one that involves "bursting into tears for no particular reason because you feel like the essence of everything you are has been taken away". I am beyond that now and am mostly dedicated to just kicking my own ass day after day in the pool and the weight room. I know that I'm being a smart athlete, doing my damnest to keep my fitness up by getting in the pool (pool running...not as soul sucking as I expected) and on the bike, and strength training as much as I can to come out of this stronger than I was before (no lie...I have done more strength training in the last month than in the rest of my life combined. And the shock of the century is..I ENJOY it.)  But...I have obviously had to drastically lower my expectations as far as this marathon is concerned.  Am I going to run the marathon? Oh hell yes. Is it going to be pretty? Oh hell no.  I can't imagine shooting for a PR with a maximum of 8 weeks of actual training under my belt. But maybe this will force me to go into the race as a no pressure situation and just. freaking. enjoy it. I've already basically made the decision that I'm racing a fall marathon since it's clear that Boston is going to be a shitshow at best, so why not just go out there and just...see what happens?

So that's my life right now.  I have been listening to "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson a lot during my workouts lately (shut up, I love her.) and the lyrics ring pretty true to me in terms of being thrown some shit by life in the last 6 months...
You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think I'd come running back
Baby, you don't know me cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Undoubtedly, I will come back stronger, fiercer, and maybe with a little more gratitude for the fact that I'm able to run. Onward and upward.

Boston training, week 1-2

I know all the cool kids are writing recaps of 2011 around this time of year (or maybe I'm a little late on that, considering it's January 9...) but in terms of running, 2011 was forgettable at best. Hopefully in 2012, tendonitis/ankle sprains/thyroid cancer will leave me the hell alone and let me do my thing.  And currently, that thing is....Boston Training!

So, I really don't even know what I'm doing right now. I kept telling myself all semester "you really should make a plan for Boston training because it's coming up sooner than you think!"...and now all of a sudden it's here, and I don't know what's going on. To be fair I'm not usually a person who follows a specific plan and tend to wing it on everything besides the long run, but I've gotten wayyyy too used to just going out every day and running whatever I feel like. I need to actually think about the purpose behind the runs I'm doing and not just aimlessly run around.  That being said, I actually did do a couple of things that could be construed as "workouts" this week and I think that's a step in the right direction.

One exciting thing that DID happen to me in 2011...I finally bit the bullet and jumped on the Garmin train with the shiny new 405 that I got for Christmas. I'm still deciding on a name, lol. Originally I said I was ONLY going to wear it for speed workouts, blah blah blah, but I quickly realized how amazing and fun it was to see exactly how far I had run at any point in time and now wear it every day. The only downside of this has been the discovery that EVERY route I've ever mapped out online is ~0.2 miles short. Wah wahhh. I know Garmins have some error too, but that it's probably closer to accurate than an online map.  It has seemed pretty accurate as far as pacing in the couple of "speed" workouts I've done though, so I think for tempo runs and intervals it's going to be an absolutely invaluable tool. Plus I love being able to log my runs to the 100th of a mile. :)

Anyway...here's what's been going on in training land the past couple of weeks. Only 5 days of running each week, probably could have done better there, but I was home for part of the time and I had one of my best friends in town for a few days and we just didn't have the time to run every single day she was here. I got the long runs in though, which I think is what really matters at this point.

Week of 12/26-1/1
Mon - OFF
Tues - 7.02 E/8:02 pace, ran on some new trails around some retention ponds at home in Wisco which I was pretty excited about, since I get really bored of the same old parkway when I'm home (not that I'm there too often, but still)
Wed - 7.90 hills/7:44 pace, downhills workout on Heartbreak that I completely forgot about.
Thurs - 5.15 E/8:10 pace
Fri - Nicole arrived, we drank a lot, didn't run
Sat - 12.83 L/8:23 pace, ran the first 5 solo and then picked up Nicole for the rest...long runs with a friend make long runs SO much better...man oh man.  It's been a couple years since we did a long run together so this was fantastic. And the perfect prelude to NYE festivities!
Sun - 5.0 E/8:21 pace, I mean, couldn't start 2012 with a zero now, could we? Hungover.
Total: 37.9

Week of 1/2-1/8
Mon - OFF. Rose Bowl day...had my heart crushed by the Badger loss.
Tues - OFF...hungover, miserably stuffed up, and it was my friend Nicole's last day in town and her knee was bugging her, so we wanted to spend the day doing touristy things rather than running.
Wed - 6.30 E/7:52 pace, the run where I realized my "6.55" mile route that I've been running a TON this fall was not, in fact, 6.55 miles. Core workout.
Thurs - 7.46 w/3.9 mile fartlek/7:55 pace, ran to Brookline res, 6 x 2min @5K pace/3min easy, ran home. Felt really hard but the paces were OK so I'll take it.
Fri - 6.33 E/8:07 pace, felt like crap but saw an INCREDIBLE sunset. LE strength workout.
Sat - 7.12 T/7:27 pace, felt good for the first time in forever, and was running in shorts + t-shirt in January.
Sun - 15.01 L/8:09 pace, first real long run of the training cycle, definitely tough but made it through surprisingly well with the pace probably unnecessarily fast. Made me wonder why I'm doing this marathon training business again but definitely was happy to get through it successfully.
Total: 42.2 miles, 2 strength/core workouts

And that is what's new on the training front.  I'm enjoying my last week off before the semester starts again and looking forward to Thursday night when, after taking some radioactive iodine to kill off any rogue thyroid cells still lurking in my body, I can eat CHEESE again! Seriously...low iodine diet =/= fun.  I haven't been able to eat any dairy or anything with salt added (because I don't know if it's iodized salt or not)...I have been trying to pretend I'm a healthy living blogger or something and "cleansing" myself of processed food but really...I am just hungry and looking forward to eating a pizza.  Come on...I am a runner...I need my processed carbs!

Oh, and I've decided 2012 is going to be a kickass year. The end.

Compare + contrast

June 2009 (pre Baystate training) 96.4 miles
December 2009 (pre-Boston marathon training): 99.3 miles
June 2010 (pre-Baystate training): 151.4 miles
December 2011: 82.9 miles and counting...guessing I'll end up around ~175, with November and October both hitting the mid 160s.

So Sunday marks the 16 weeks out point from Boston. There are not enough emoticons or adjectives in the world to describe my apprehension/excitement about this life development.  Especially because I may or may not (hint: not) have actually come up with anything remotely resembling a plan yet.  But I think I have the general framework and I think for the most part it is this: just run.  And apparently, I have the best base going into this training program that I ever have had...what the hell? This is unexpected. I have just been...running.  Just kind of doing whatever. So I have to say I'm happy that "doing whatever" has returned to along the lines of 40 miles a week, and not 25 like it was over the summer.

I was looking at my training for Baystate 2010, a race where I PR'd by 17 minutes.  With that sort of a drop in time, you would think that I did something drastically different in terms of training, right? More speedwork, long runs, something? Er...not so much.  In fact, looking back at my training for that race, I can't BELIEVE that I PR'd. I mean, the vast majority of my weeks were 50 miles or less (yet in my mind I really thought I was running a TON of miles.) Compare that to my Boston 2010 training, where I was doing a regimented program, diligently completing workouts as directed, gradually taking my mileage from 45 to 55 to 65....and I bombed the race.

So what does this mean for marathon training cycle number 4? Well, I think I'm going to need to hit a good balance between meaningful training and just getting the miles in.  In the past "just run miles" has worked as a strategy but I have the feeling that if I want to come close to a PR at Boston that there is going to have to be SOME higher level of effort being put in - I just don't think it has to be to the level of compulsiveness that I stuck to the last time I was training for this race. So in essence, here's my general plan for marathon training. It allows for quite a bit of freedom while I think staying true to the things that I know work for me.

1) GBTC practice. Ever. Single. Week
The times I have been in the best shape of my life have consistently coincided with being a part of a team and doing track workouts. I have an incredible opportunity to train with a whole lot of fast ladies that I have NOT taken advantage as much as I should have over the past couple of years, and I think now is as good of a time as any to start.

2) Long runs, preferably on the course, with at least a few GMP miles (only because I know I'll hammer the whole thing otherwise)
I think I've got my long run thing down pretty well...it's just something you DO on Sundays. However, one enormous problem that I run into when training alone is I run too fast. All the time. Case in point: my "easy, let's run 8:30s" 12 miler on Sunday quickly progressed into a 7:38 paced hammerfest that was completely out of my control.  I'm hoping that my request to Santa (a Garmin...I'm giving in...finally...) will help me with this.
There's also the fact that I live a half mile off the Boston course, so I really don't see any reason NOT to do my long runs there every Sunday. The only reason to change things up would be boredom, and quite frankly the Newton Hills has always been one of my favorite running routes especially during marathon season, so I don't really see that happening.

3) Keep the weekly mileage above 50, ideally peak around 70.
And I don't mean 70 in the completely cheater way that I ran 80 miles last year (2 20+ milers on a Monday and a Sunday because I skipped the first Sunday's long run due to being hungover, aka, I suck.) I would love to be a person who can run 70-80 miles every week, but realistically, I would have to sacrifice more than I'm willing to do so. Topping out at 70ish with several weeks in the 60s seems like a good step up without being crazy.

4) Don't do key workouts on the treadmill unless ABSOLUTELY necessary
I think this was a MASSIVE downfall of my 2010 Boston training that I never considered because I didn't get that running on a TM and running on a road are NOT the same.  I would do these great speed workouts on the TM which were certainly confidence boosting, but I get the feeling that the transfer wasn't there because I didn't do enough work on the roads.  With not one but two indoor tracks to choose from, I don't think this should be a problem even in the worst weather conditions.

5) Race.
I think doing 2 long distance (25K and 30K) races leading up to Baystate was a HUGE factor in improving my mental toughness.  I have a few possibilities on the schedule for this spring, including a half marathon (a PR that really, really needs to go down) so we will see how that goes.

6) Make running my priority.
Now obviously, school comes first, but if I'm being honest with myself? This semester, I have SUCKED at getting it done when I wasn't in the mood.  I think after the train wreck that was this summer, I was pretty much like...you know...I just want to have FUN this semester! And so when fun has come my way, I have accepted it, running/studying/relaxing be damned.  But if I want to train to run a PR marathon in April, that shit isn't going to fly.  Not to say that I won't be going out drinking on occasion...but running needs to trump going out.  Along those same lines, I need to get back to racing weight.  This being a running blog, not a healthy living blog, and me being blessed with a combination of an active lifestyle and a good metabolism, this is not something that I discuss much on here, if ever. But unfortunately when my thyroid decided to crap out on me over the summer, it brought with it about 12 pounds of unnecessary...extra baggage.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not fat, I know I'm not fat, and I know if any of my non-runner friends read this they would shoot me on sight.  But I know what I weighed the last time I PR'ed, I think that was a good racing weight for me, and I would like to get back there.  Which primarily involves not spending every Saturday for 3 months drinking heavily and eating fried food/cheese balls (aka, college football season).

I think it's hard to make the choice to commit yourself to this kind of true training when you don't have any friends who understand. But I have to ask myself the question - what do I want most? And truth be told, what I want most after the bullshit of 2011 is a big, fat, glorious marathon PR in 2012. Preferably with a half marathon PR being brought down along the way.

So there it is - that's what I want. Time to go get it.

So that I post more than once a month

I think I told myself that I was going to at LEAST try to post once a week, but let's face it, I post when I feel like it/have time and ONLY when I feel like it/have time...I don't understand how people have time to post 3 times a day or even once a day and I will just never be that person.  But I'm still around. Yup.

Running has been going satisfyingly well. I've been hitting solid 40+ weeks pretty consistently, aside from the one week where I fell off the bus because my PT friends and I decided to spend the weekends drinking like undergrads...which makes it difficult to run an adequate amount when you are NOT in fact an undergrad anymore and thus cannot recover like one. I remember powering through long runs after track club parties back in the day, but let me tell you those days are long gone.  Anyway, I've been pretty impressed with hanging around in the 40s despite talking 1 day off a week and not doing any long runs (unless you count 8-9 miles as long, which I do not).  Just consistently getting out there and putting in 6-9 miles every day.  I think this current scheme is pretty nice for just building a base, obviously things are going to change dramatically in 5 weeks when I start marathon training again (5. weeks. oh. god.)  But for now, it's nice.

Speaking of running, I ran a race over Halloween weekend...if you could call it a "race". It was a dinky thing put on by the 3rd years in my PT program, billed as a 5K but more like 2.9 miles in reality, no timing or anything, and I was basically planning on running it as a tempo and (ideally) winning, since I was assuming there wouldn't be a whole lot of competition. And then I saw the girl doing strides in XC spikes. CRAP DIGGITY.  Let's be serious, I was wearing a football jersey:

and was not exactly in racing mode.  I didn't warm up. I didn't do strides. Because I was planning on this just being an excuse for me to get my run in for the day and potentially win some swag.  Now I was going to actually have to attempt to race the thing? Sigh.

The bad news is that I didn't win. I was second woman, 3rd overall (the dude dressed as Prefontaine - complete with moustache, amazin g- was a legit runner). The girl in the flats beat me handily, I was about 20 seconds back from her almost instantly and never had anything to try to catch her with.  The good news is I ran 19:34 for the 2.9 miles, or 6:45 pace...in a football jersey, without a warmup, with exactly zero racing mindset (and people dodging/street crossings...this was not a closed course by any means).  And that? Is a good thing. I've gotta say, I was more than a little impressed with my ability to run the equivalent of a sub-21 5K on the amount of speedwork (read: none) that I've been doing lately.  Taking this in combination with the 20:39 I ran on a similarly low level of training earlier in the summer, I'm forced to the conclusion that I can be, and SHOULD be, able to race faster than I'm running right now.  Really, there is no reason that I should not be able to run sub-20 5Ks if I put in the work.  I just haven't.  You would think that consistently running times that aren't too far off from my PR would motivate me to work harder, but in reality I still get so excited when I see 20:xx on the clock that I hardly care.  Which is dumb. STOP SETTLING AUDREY.

Now granted the 5K isn't my focus right now, since there's this little thing called Boston that I have to start training for in...oh...6 weeks? (GAH.)  But really, the same thing applies there.  I have moments of doubt on runs when I'm like "god, 8 miles feels hard, how am I going to get back to 26.2? Let alone run a PR at 26.2?"  But I seriously can't sell myself short like that. Yeah, this year has sucked running-wise, my miles and racing schedule and speedwork haven't been what I feel like they "should" have been. But? I can still come within 30 seconds of my 5K road PR.  So why shouldn't I be able to run a faster marathon? Why am I acting like I lost sooooo much fitness when obviously that isn't true? I do NOT think Baystate was a fluke. I think I am stronger at the longer distances and that's where I have a chance to excel. I need to put in the work, trust it, and see what happens, and I think that the timing has worked out so I'm being able to build a sufficient base before the real training begins.

In other news I finally got up the guts to do hill reps on Summit Ave, which is 0.4 miles of 9-11% graded HELL.  It makes Heartbreak look like nothing.  And I just have the feeling that since its located less than a mile from my house, it will be calling me to break myself upon it over and over again this winter.

And because this post has (again) taken a dive into philosophical territory (apologies, to the 3 of you still reading) here's a picture of my Halloween costume.  Which was AWESOME.

Andrew's mom MADE these for ~$12. I think my skirt was once a prom dress.  We were snooty British oil investor 1900s folk...let me tell you, speaking in an affected British accent and calling your boyfriend Reginald becomes even more amusing when there is jungle juice present.  Halloween: allowing 20-somethings to pretend they're undergrads since forever.

I believe

I'm on track this week for my 3rd 40+ mile week in a row. Know when the last time I ran 3 40+ mile weeks back to back was? February. As in 9 months ago February. Wow. The fact that I finally seem to be headed back in the right direction has gotten me thinking about what's transpired over the past year and what it's going to take to get past it.

I realized that this is truly the first time in my entire running career that I've ever encountered a serious roadblock to improving my fitness and being successful.  Ever since I started running, from high school track and onwards, it's been a constant stream of harder workouts, longer runs, longer races, constant improvement, constant PRs, constant upward motion. There's never been a point in time where I've felt like I went backwards.  Until now.  And it happened so subtly, without my ever realizing it until months into the process. I had deluded myself into thinking all summer that the 30-odd miles I was doing every week were adequate, that it didn't really matter anyway how many days off I took, and without races to give me feedback of what I had actually lost, I slipped.  Not without reason, clearly - a hip injury, ankle sprain, hypothyroidism, and major surgery over the course of 6 months will throw anyone's plans off track. But there was more I could have done in between these setbacks had I taken the long view and realized "damn, this is going to really suck when I actually want to be a competitive runner again".

And now here I am, back standing on the brink of trying to make a comeback, to once again be striving for upward motion. I have no delusions that the path is going to be easy.  There are days, lately, when I'll be out running 7 or 8 miles at what (in theory) I want to become my marathon pace, or even something slower, and I think to myself "how in the hell will I ever run a marathon this fast again? How DID I ever run a marathon this fast, for that matter? And what the heck happened to the me that did?"  It's a challenge to see my friends on DailyMile and teammates from home out there running PRs, killing it in races - I am of course thrilled for them, but I can't deny being a little jealous, and beat up on myself as a result. I can never completely silence the doubt in my mind. But I also know that the only way that I'm going to make it back is to find a way to put those doubts aside and believe.


Belief.  It's been such an overarching theme in my running life, from the charm tied into my XC spikes to the words sharpied on my hand during every marathon.  It's not that believing will make something happen, but if you don't believe, it never will.  Belief in your legs, your training, your mind, and your heart. Belief that conquers doubt and fear. It's going to take a LOT of work for me to get back into PR shape for Boston, but if I don't believe that that's even a possibility? Well then really, what's the point. So I try to silence the doubt and find a way to believe, and I get out there and see myself improve day by day, mile by mile.

And now, since I see that it's raining, I think I'll go get my run in :)

The last 2 weeks, September roundup, and some thoughts on training

Quick recap of the past 2 weeks of training, since I was too lazy to blog last weekend. The name of the game right now is building mileage, then adding in some speedwork, and above all, NOT GETTING INJURED.  I've actually run 100% of the time in my Kinvaras since the end of August, and am beyond in love with them. I am a midfoot striker so I never really needed the giant heels that tend to come with motion control shoes, however, I also have a foot that predisposes me to a variety of injuries, most commonly medial shin splints, without a touch of stability. So I'm buying a new pair of Kinvaras, along with a pair of Saucony Mirages, which are built on the same base but give a little bit of stability as well (without the mega-heel). Sounds PERFECT for my easier/longer days, and I'll bring out the Kinvaras when I really want to fly. :)

Mon 9/19 6.5 easy, Watertown Square
Tues 9/20 7.1 including 6 x ~300 m moderate on Heartbreak Hill, I was super proud of myself for doing something that vaguely resembled a workout!
Wed 9/21 4.7 AM short Dean Road, sucked.
Thurs 9/22 8.3 Public Garden. Really humid.
Fri 9/23 6.4 Chestnut Hill Res, 97% humidity (shoot me now), almost got run down by the Harvard XC team, wah wahhh.
Sat 9/24 off! But took an awesome ballet class.
Sun 9/25 4.5 tempo, short Res loop, humid.
Weekly Total: 37.5 miles, 1 ballet class

Mon 9/26 off
Tues 9/27 6.6 moderate Dean Road, still ridiculously humid. And hot. 4 x Brad Hudson hills.
Wed 9/28 8.6 fabulous easy run on the Charles between class and Wednesday Night Beer Club...pretty much the perfect combination to get over the hump of the week! Oh, still humid.
Thurs 9/29 5.5 easy Harvard Ave. Still humid.
Fri 9/30 6 moderate Jamaicaway. This run was absolutely awful for some reason, but I met a really cute kid, so that was fun.
Sat 10/1 6.6 easy Dean Road. Wait for it...still incredibly humid. 4 x BH hills.
Sun 10/2 6.5 moderate Res alt. Felt pretty good despite procrastinating all day and being vaguely hungover.
Weekly total: 40.3 miles. No cross training.

September totals: 130.2 miles, 10 days off (excessive.) Looking at my distance totals for the past 5 months is just depressing...but then again, I guess there have been somewhat decent reasons for the shittiness. The last couple of weeks have been pleasing though, and a good indicator that things are finally back on the up and up. At this exact moment I don't consider myself to be "training". I am building a base, ideally I would like my average weekly mileage to be in the high 40s-low 50s for at least a few weeks before I start officially marathon training again in January. I'm hoping to start filling my race calendar a little more this fall as well, mostly to remember what it feels like to push myself in a racing situation, which is something I can't really recreate on my own. Also on deck for October is attempting to stay on the wagon when it comes to strength training and doing Brad Hudson's short, fast hills at least twice a week for a little extra speed stimulus.

On a somewhat related note, apparently according to our guest lecturer in Sci Basis of Movement today I am pretty much doomed to a life of hip replacements and shin splints.  Because apparently "people who run 40 miles or more a week are more likely to get injured".  Mind blowing news folks (I kid.  Obviously the more you run, the more likely your personal biomechanical weirdness will come back to bite you in the ass, or you'll try to run through an emerging injury, or you'll just plain overload your body - it makes sense).  But the funny thing is, I know for a fact that there are people in my class who subscribe to a 'healthy living' mentality of sorts who were probably like "oh my god! Well I definitely shouldn't run more than 40 miles a week, ever, because I will get injured." Granted I am all for injury prevention, and there is obviously such a thing as overdoing it (or upping your mileage too fast, killing yourself in a speed workout you have no business doing, etc) but this mentality of "if you run more than a few days a week, you'll get injured?" I call bullshit.  I have the most biomechanically jacked up feet ever (no joke, my valgus forefoot is apparently described as "the destructive foot" because of its injury causing potential) and yet I manage to run 60-70 mile weeks during marathon training...and while I have dealt with my share of injuries (hip issues, ITBS, shin splints) I've taken the necessary steps to fix them, backed off until they healed, and then went back at it in an intelligent manner...6 days a week.

I'm not saying that people don't exist in this world who really, truly can't run more than 3 or 4 days a week without injury. I'm just saying that for most people that isn't really the case.  And I'm saying that in order to be a better runner, you have to do one thing: run. Run fast, run slow, run short, run long, run hills, run flats, run everything in between.  Anything else might help you prevent injury, it might make you feel good, it might be fun...but it's not going to make you a better runner. I don't take ballet every week because it's going to make me a better runner, I take it because I LOVE it. But at the end of the day when I look at myself and see that I'm not where I want to be as a runner, it sure as hell isn't because I didn't take enough yoga classes last month. It's because I didn't run enough, or hard enough.  And if you aren't the sort of person who wants to race faster and running for you is purely something you enjoy or something you do to stay in shape - I have no problem with that. More power to you. My problem is with the people who decide "oh, hee hee, it's so trendy to run a marathon right now!" and then max out at like 30 miles a week.

I really have no idea what the underlying point of this little rant is (just another reason why approximately 10 people read this blog haha). I guess I just don't understand the point of doing something if you're not going to go for it full throttle.

Annnd now that I think I have exhausted my supply of bitchiness for the day...I'm going for a run :)

Training: Week of 9/12/11

I think I'm going to try to start doing this weekly training business, even though I have a log in 2 other places...more for accountability than anything else.  And to have something to write on the blog...because...ya know.

Monday: 6.4 easy, Charles River from BU.  Felt really slow and awful, it was pretty hot still which didn't help.  Lifted at FitRec which left me sore for 4 days. Time to get back on the strength training bandwagon.

Tuesday: 6.6 easy. Dean Road. Ridiculously sore so didn't bring a watch, otherwise I would have been obsessing about how slow I was running.

Wednesday: off. Because I have 7 hours of class and I'm lame.

Thursday: 6.25 easy, home from a doctor's appointment at BMC.  The doc pretty much thought I was a nutjob for running home and I was like...whatever dude. Also it was really hot at the beginning of the run, and then it randomly started pouring rain when I was about a mile from home...pretty much awesome. Also took a 90 min ballet class which was awesome.

Friday: Didn't run, but kayaked for an hour and a half on the Charles!

Yes, I live here. I know you are jealous.

Saturday: 6.5 easy, Dean Road.  I actually ran in the morning for the first time in forever, and was listening to my Badger gameday playlist and just loving my life. I was all cheerful and waving to all of the runners I passed...highly enjoyable.

Sunday: 10.2 long, Jamaicaway + the second half of Dean Road.  This. was. AMAZING!  I'm not exaggerating when I say it's the best run I've been on in months.  I feel like all summer I've had something going on where I never was able to really get into a groove when I was running...it was always just really effortful. In retrospect, this probably had a lot to do with the fact that my thyroid wasn't actually working the way it was supposed to, but whatever the reason yesterday I finally got to remember what it's like to just not care, not think, and just run. I felt so relaxed, smooth, and strong, and on top of all that I was actually running fast. So good, so good.

Total running miles: 35.9

Highest weekly mileage since the week of July 11. OH DEAR. It really doesn't get much rougher than the last 2 months...it was really good to have some confidence inducing runs this week that give me hope that I will be able to pull things together and be in decent shape come January, when I have to start training for real.

In other news, I got my Boston confirmation the other day..eeeek! It is moderately terrifying to contemplate running another marathon BUT at the same time I am sooo excited.  I've genuinely missed the madness. And I have a bunch of friends/training partners in the Boston area who are running this year, which is going to make the winter of training that much better...not to mention all of my non-runner friends are already talking about the t-shirts they're going to make with my picture on it...bahaha.

Also...GORGEOUS FALL WEATHER. Need I say more?

Let's talk about training.

First of alll....who can guess what I will be doing at 10 am tomorrow?!?!
Well..I will be sitting in Diagnostics class, but that isn't the point.  I will have my laptop with me and I will be putting that sweet sweet info in to sign me up for BOSTON!

Now this is actually a somewhat scary thing to be doing, because as you may recall, the glorious marathon that allowed me to sign up in the 10+ minutes faster than your BQ category happened almost an entire year ago.  And the year of running that has followed has been, in a word, shit. I have had motivation issues, injury issues, health issues, the fun has been never ending, and I have lost a lot of fitness.  But there is no way I'm wasting my 3:22 when I could race in my own backyard with all of my friends cheering me on in 2013, no freaking way. And I am bound and determined to put all of my life junk behind me, get my butt in gear, and spend the next 8 months getting ready to kill it in April.

So the real question is - how am I planning on regaining my long lost fitness? I'm thinking that cardiovascular fitness is going to be the easy part, since it's not like I haven't been running at ALL...my guess is my issue is going to be my legs.  Which, really, has always been my issue. So you know what that means...what up, strength training.  Yesterday was day 1 of my grand master Boston plan, which consisted of going for a run AND doing a strength workout...quite possibly for the first time since high school.  The run was sucky, since Boston apparently decided that 84 degrees and humid in September is it's new thing, and then I headed to the gym to do strength. I did a pretty standard set of lower body exercises, 3 sets of 10 each. (Fun PT fact! The ideal number of sets/reps for strength building is 3 x 8-12. Anything higher than that and you're more looking at building endurance.) All of them were just body weight except for squats + lunges, where I really upped the game and added 2 5lb weights.  Here's the sad part...I am SO. SORE.  Clearly this is an indication of the sad state of my legs, but the soreness also tells me that if I keep doing this, I WILL get stronger. And that is definitely a good thing.

As far as actual running is concerned, the plan for right now is: do it.  4 days a week ain't gonna cut it anymore. I really don't feel like I need to be doing speedwork or any insane long runs until I build up a reasonable base to start, and the first step in doing that is getting my ass out the door and running 5-8 miles every. single. day. The end.

I was going to write about my new guilty pleasure, Dance Moms, but then it got late. And I need to go running. Sooo you'll have to wait for that...I know you're crushed.